#ill be fine in due time
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I don’t know what to do with these so here have them all at once
#I have autism sorry#faith game spoilers#faith the unholy trinity#faith game#my art#amy martin#gary miller#michael davies#father garcia#john ward#idk if the others have tags…?#whatever#I love and hate being an artist because nothing I do will never ever be good enougg#hate to vent in the tags but I rlly hope u guys like my art nevertheless ^_^#ill be fine in due time
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Not me falling in love with character that has fucking gun and i cant fucking draw guns. God damn my life
I straigh up nabbed the gun from the game and traced over-
#why boothill gotta be so fine but having the 2 things i never learn how to draw#guns and hat my enemies#he looks hot tho so ill judt bite the bullet on this one abd start to learn both in due time#fanart#boothill fanart#boothill#honkai star rail#honkai fanart#sketch
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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oc-tober day 4 complete with iorek, one of my more under-appreciated ocs... underappreciated by me, of course 😭
iorek (pronounced yore-eck) is a iotere (pronounced yo-tare-ay). iotere are a serpent-like folk that live in vast cave systems on a planet with low gravity. their bony masks are the only truly hard parts of their body, and they can squeeze through any space they can fit their heads into. their diet largely consists of shellfish that live in underground aquifers.
iorek lives with my characters romsir, areson, xalei, and eno, but beyond that i haven't developed much of his character... i know he's quiet, stoic, and serves as a paternal figure due to his advanced age. but other than that he's got nothing 😵💫 go grandpa! i guess 😭
#digital art#sketch#ocs#oc:iorek#oc:areson#oc:romsir#oc:eno#bweirdoctober#i made iorek in high school so i have no excuse for him being this underdeveloped its kinda embarassing#i have more lore for his species than him as a character so. ig ill put that in the tags#iotere have a diminishing population due to prejudices in the greater universe. theyve been treated rather poorly for a long time#their societies are matriarchal in nature and are sort of similar to bees#iorek is like analogous to a drone but hes unique in that hes lived a lot longer than expected after being kicked out of his maternal nest#also in regards to physical appearance iorek is chubby. he lives on a planet with much high gravity now and its harder for him to get aroun#so hes gotten kinda sedentary and gained a bit of weight. homeworld iotere are a bit slimmer#also hes soft to the touch. like velvet. iotere are covered in a fine down all over their bodies#also they dont have true eyelids. theyve been underground long enough to lose those#they have something like a transparent nictitating membrane to keep the eye moist and clean since they havent lost vision yet#but iorek struggles to see in full sunlight and operates best in low to no-light environments#what im trying to say is you'd lose a staring contest with him bc you cant tell when he 'blinks' and he would cheat with a straight face
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my luggage is delayed and i had a cute little breakdown about it which i attribute to having been on very long airplane travel from literally the opposite side of the earth,, the luggage service people were very kind about it and gave me a glass of water while gendering me correctly also. it's gonna get fixed. i have two hi-chews left i'm going to be okay
#it's not the first time this has happened to me. last time everything went fine and it was very chill#but this time it's stressful due to 1) the aforementioned frazzlement#2) im catching MORE flights tomorrow morning#3) my t-gel is in there because im stupid :(#just NOT IDEAL RIGHT NOW DUE TO REASONS#also can u believe id originally been like yeah ill just sleep at some bench at the airport ill be fine#and then last week i was like actually no i am going to book a hotel i will need a shower after that trip#i was so close to booking a novelty hotel inside an old jumbo plane but i made wise financial decisions#very glad ill have a room to cry in !!!!!#my travel route is so complicated and a Lot but so it goes
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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Janeway in 'Nothing Human' vs Tuvok in 'Resolutions' There's something here I know there is I can almost wrap my teeth around it.
#I can't watch Nothing Human bc the puppet really disconcerts me#but I cannot believe Janeway really came into B'Elanna's room after all that and the FIRST thing she says...her OPENER is#'Wow it smells awful in here~!'#DUDE....................TIME AND PLACE#HEHEHHE#C'MON MAN#B'Elanna: Is [putting it behind us] an order? / Janeway [normal!]: Yes.#'And what emotion is that?' C'MON MAN!!!!!!#Janeway & Tuvok#Kathryn Janeway#Tuvok#I can see why she and Tuvok are friends#'I understand you're upset but fall in line'#You can be upset but not if effects your work#<- Something which would be fine on a regular ship but is very difficult on Voyager#I think Janeway's certain coldness or ruthlessness which can be aimed at either friend or foe is an interesting#aspect of her personality#Ex: She and B'Elanna COULD have feasibly had a more touching scene together to close out the episode but they don't#I don't know if I'm explaining myself well right now I'm a bit ill and more than a bit tired#Something about uhh maybe....people under their command vehemently and emotionally disagreeing with them/their decisions??#you can disagree with me but not if you don't follow me anyway#Voyager a ship full of contradictions#they have to all work together and they are all closer emotionally than any other starship due to their situation#but they are also still 'at work' and are expected to follow orders. It's like a 'casual' hierarchy but it's still a hierarchy#and you can't fall too far out of line bc you're someone dear to me#but you're also a valued cog in the machine#and even though you ARE valued you ARE still a cog in the machine#but you're also my dear friend. and all of these things are true at once.#all of that of course but also Janeway & Tuvok are displaying a very particular kind of shared leadership style in these moments#Janeway is obviously on the whole MUUUCH more charismatic and understanding than Tuvok but still - when push comes to shove...
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went a little wild with the library request button whoops. now contemplating the consequences of my actions (1500 pages to read)
#should be fine but i may have miscalculated lol#if i spent less time here i could read it all easily#i suspect ill dislike one of the books tho so i'll be back here to pointlessly complain#the good thing about library loans vs pirating pdfs is the due date lol. also i prefer physical books when possible#skravler
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yet another instance of going uh oh that was more upsetting than i allowed myself to admit at the time
#being cut off really suddenly with no explanation by a long time close friend. continues to be like. oh this hurt me more than i realized#initially okay. where i know the solution to some fears im having rn is to communicate and talk with people#but due to this past friend im like scared if i ask anyone hey have i done anything to upset you are you mad at me were still friends right#that theyll get mad at me for asking or annoyed with me for having to ask that or cut me off like he did. and i know#that thats irrational. but being aware of it being irrational doesnt make it go away. anyway ill be fine its hibiki time
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theres a category of character to me that pinkie pie and gir and sppongebob and pre-chuck daffy and a bunch of other characters are all in i feel like. post-chuck daffy isnt rly in this category 2 me anymore but i like him anyway.
#my own lack of nuance is irritating me slightly but its fine#ill put this in better words some other time i have an essay due in an hour#not rly an essay we're just writing columbo fanfiction for my columbo class. its pretty fun an im basically done but i kinda half-assed it#unforch bcz i was behind on my other finals#charlie words
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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always fun whenever I bring up an anecdote from my childhood and it turns out it wasn't an anecdote, but actually recounting an apparently traumatic event. at least according to the people I tell the anecdote to.
#somehow my dnd group got to the topic of punishments for bad behaviour we got from our parents as children#and i casually mentioned how i got grounded for months at a time and got basically socially isolated#also all electronics taken away and cable cut on the tv. all i had were books while i had to stay in my room#also the 10 liter buckets of cold water dumped on me and my bed when depression kept me from getting up in the mornings#all to correct bad/annoying behaviour brought on by untreated mental illness#I've lived with this for over 15 years now it's become normal to me but apparently that's not normal?#one of my dnd buddies who was in the day clinic program with me says it checks out with all the other stuff i told him about my childhood#anyway. thought of the day tbh#(clarification my parents haven't done this in YEARS it was only around the time school was still mandatory to attend for me#and my parents would've received a hefty fine if i didn't go semiregularly amd got decent grades and decent education)#now that i'm an adult with a job and am taking care of my own business they don't punish me anymore#(except the one time i was still unable to work due to chronic pain and the painsomnia made me pass out during the daytime#so my father decided to cut off wifi access from all of my electronics for weeks to 'fix me' like old times)#but that was just one thing. no biggie
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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...
#love that my body decided to incapacitate me the weekend before i have to read 5 different papers for classes#and it would b one thing to just read them but no for 3 of them i have to give detailed interpretation and 1 i have to present on#ive already failed to read one bc i forgot we had to do 2 papers for monday. oops. not that i could have done it anyway. i barely got 1 done#and im on track to fucking up the one due Tomorrow as well#im just fucking tired of reading fucking chemistry driven papers that i dont understand no matter how many times i read them#and everyones like oh itll get easier but no it fucking wont bc i cant fucking read right#its so fucking frustrating. why do i even bother? im so tried#i don't even have the paper im supposed to present on so ill have to do it all tomorrow. cool. great. not that i could do it today anyway#im just. this is gonna b a difficult week#and i misused my whole day by doing extractions bc i scheduled my training a week ago when i thought i would b fine over the weekend#nope. its fucking bullshit. this is y im like. y do i even want to b in academia?#how could i b a prof if i cant read well? its fine to b dyslexic as a math person but im like i have to read so much and so little gets thru#but then what the fuck else am i supposed to do? idk. im just gonna write down something for all these questions and go tf to sleep#ill get up at some horrible time in the morning to finish this. damn the consequences. ill see my therapist tomorrow anyway#and meet with my advisor like 🤪 yo guess what i made zero progress this week#sorry u got stuck with me while im going thru a year of fucking health problems#but whatever cant get rid of me now im already here. here and tired and i wanna go to bed#unrelated
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okay wait re my academic despair the class i want to take (intro to chemistry) but cant because i dont have a grade 12 chemistry credit i added to my schedule and tried to put in a prerequisite waiver but the system was like theres no prerequisite for this course youre okay. and i think thats because it has a high school prereq and not a university one so the system doesn’t know what to do with that. but like what if they just don’t check my transcript and let me in anyways 👀⁉️
#but at the same time i dont want to fuck up literally my first semester of university#i assume if they kick me out of that class theyll let me go take whatever other class#which is fine i CAN continue my degree as is i just really want that chemistry credit#but i dont want to be screwing around#idk. i have a couple days before my schedule is due so i guess ill think on it
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my special skill is that i'm not afraid of emails. in fact i vastly prefer sending emails because i can do it whenever i have time... the alternative is usually making phone calls, and the phone call times are pretty much always work hours at work days, AKA the SAME TIME AS WHEN I'M AT SCHOOL!!!! this really sucks if the only time i have the opportunity to sit down and do Important Paperwork Stuff is the weekend or the evenings!!! Let Me Send A Written Message Please Please Please
#banging my head againt the wall#hi i found out that due to my address being set in sweden i can't Do Things through the norwegian healthcare portal#i can read messages and documents but i can't contact anyone or send in forms. great!!! great!!!!!!! i didn't know this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it's fine i'll just make the phonecalls but i wish i could get it over with NOW#i already feel bad for not doing any of this stuff in the past two days but ive been so completely depleted#im sure ill manage to solve this in time i just hate having things hanging over me#ALL OF THIS COULDVE BEEN AVOIDED IF IT HADN'T TAKEN THREE FUCKING YEARS TO BE GRANTED HRT#'of course there won't be any problems if you move to sweden :)' They Lied To Me#also this is a vent post please do not give me unsolicited advice thank you
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